Emotional Bank Account
The 2008 presidential election is now over, and we are all coming to grips with what that means to us as a country and what it means to us in our individual relationships. A few days ago I wore my Obama 08 baseball cap as I went to the local grocery store. As I was entering the store, a young woman was coming out of the store, and I happened to notice a pleasant smile on her face. It was so striking that my brain said, “What was that about?” As I quickly sorted through the last 10 seconds, I realized she had glanced at my hat and was happily approving of it. I thought this is good.
At the end of my shopping, I noticed just the opposite reaction from the checkout lady. She was all business, but cold and somewhat curt. I noticed that she also glanced at my hat. It was obvious that her man did not win.
This caused me to think through the last 10 - 15 or more years over which we have been turned into a them and us, a red and blue, nation. I even notice that when some of the subjects made into hot buttons by our politicians come up with my close friends a pall descends on the conversation. This is not good.
We need to begin rebuilding our trust and “Emotional Bank Accounts” as Americans. In his book, The Seven Habits of Successful People, Stephen Covey uses a financial bank account as an analogy for what can happen between individuals when they make too many withdrawals from their emotional or relationship accounts with each other. They become bankrupt. My sense is that this is our situation as a nation at the moment.
So what can we do about it? Covey suggests there are six ways we can make deposits to build up our emotional bank account.
1. Understand
the Individual
“Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.”
2. Attend to
the Little Things
“The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the big things are the little things.”
3. Keep
Commitments
“Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through.”
4. Clarify
Expectations
“Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage. It seems easier to act as though differences don’t exist and to hope things will work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations.”
“The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning.”
5. Show
Personal Integrity
“Personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits.”
“Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth – in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words – in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.”
“One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present.”
6. Apologize
Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
“When we make withdrawals from the emotional bank account, we need to apologize and we need to do it sincerely. Great deposits come in the sincere words:
· I was wrong.
· That was unkind of me.
· I showed you no respect
· I am deeply sorry.
· I apologize.”
Insincere apologies make withdrawals from the emotional bank account.
It is easy to blame our distrust and disagreements on the media, religions, and the politicians. They thrive on it, so we cannot expect them to solve the problem. The reconciliation has to start with us – one on one. I believe the six actions suggested by Covey are a good place to start. If each of us reaches out to a few others, we can indeed make a difference in the world. Let’s do it.