BUILDING TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS
Recently I had the opportunity to work with an organization that was experiencing a problem. They seemed to have lost their way, and their membership was flat over some period of time. Upon meeting with the individuals involved, I felt an undercurrent of tenseness. Everyone seemed to be tentative. And even though they prided themselves with being open and saying what was on their minds, everyone seemed a little guarded. I sensed that everyone felt he was doing more than the other people, and in fact, everyone seemed burned out.
What came to my mind as I listened was the concept of emotional bank accounts as described by Stephen Covey in his wonderful book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Just as with financial bank accounts, if we make regular deposits, we can make periodic withdrawals and not go bankrupt. It appeared the individuals in this organization had low balances in their accounts.
We all have relationships in our lives -- spouses, children, co-workers, friends, etc. We must attend to building up our emotional bank accounts with all of these people, because we do sometimes make withdrawals whether they are intentional or not.
Covey suggests six major ways to make deposits in our relationship bank accounts.
Understand the Individual
At first glance, this sounds easy enough. We should get to know the other person: talk, have coffee together, ask what is gong on in his/her life. This works to some extent. But Covey suggests, “To make a real deposit, what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you.” This changes the picture. How interested are we in understanding the other person? Are we interested enough to make that kind of investment?
Attend to Little Things
We all recognize it when we experience it. Some of us are better at it than others. Sending a thank you note, saying, “thank you,” smiling, being kind and courteous, sharing, remembering, offering to help.
Keep Commitments
Basically commitments are promises. And keeping a promise is vital to building trusting relationships. The other person needs to know he/she can count on you. If, as happens occasionally, a commitment must be or inadvertently is broken, make sure that everything is done to apologize and make the situation right.
Clarify Expectations
Covey says, “The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.” Think about all the instances when two parties differ over what was expected. As an example, we try to cover the bases through contracts and specifications, but we all know that what is written down is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what really happens on any project. Customers need to know what to expect, and we need to know what will delight the customer. And think about all the implicit expectations between couples, parents and children, or in volunteer organizations. We all have our personal un-discussed expectations to deal with, and to not make a big withdrawal from our emotional bank accounts, we need to talk about and make clear what our expectations are.
Show Personal Integrity
We must be truthful and avoid any communication that is deceptive. We must treat everyone with the same set of principles. We must, “be loyal to those not present.” We need to be able to say the same things and express the same feelings regardless of who is or isn’t in the room.
Apologize Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
The first thing is to be sensitive enough to recognize that you made a withdrawal. The next thing is to sincerely apologize with words that show that you have truly thought about what happened, what you did or didn’t do. Weak, insincere apologies only make further withdrawals. So expose your inner strength and make a genuine apology.
Just as I was able to remind my clients of the need to build their individual emotional bank accounts within their organization, I hope you will find these ideas helpful in improving your relationships.